I often hear from people what they are looking for in relationship. They want the smart, compassionate, well-equipped and well-mannered guy who has no mental or emotional trauma to work through.
Or they want a man who has a great sense of humor, nice, kind sincere, loyal and passionate and honest who’s going to treat them with love and respect.
Of course it’s easy to desire the perfect man.
Yet many of us are not perfect. We struggle with emotions, wants/desires, external causes that seem insurmountable. All those battles cause imbalances in our commitment and efforts. They also cause us to appear less than perfect.
Is the perfect guy really out there?
As you may have figured out, I study Hermetics with the Modern Mystery School. From this orientation, we first want to take a look at if we’re even asking the right question. Instead of looking for the perfect guy and making many lists to try and identify him when he magically appears before you, why don’t you ask: what is my perfect relationship look like?
You see, when we ask about a guy, we’re looking at personality traits, mental proclivities, behavioral patterns, genetics, etc. When we’re asking about a relationship, well, that’s entirely created by the two people working together.
This reorientation moves us closer to the possibility of achieving the desired experience, because it puts it back into the realm we can control, influence, and direct, and thus our joy and fulfillment increases.
We all know how important it is to nurture a sense of belonging within our bodies. The language may register at a certain level, perhaps cognitively in the mind. Yet there comes a time in our journey when things we understand in the mind must be anchored down into the body. Having a felt sense of the concepts that our minds have come to understand, is essential.
For instance, this concept of a sense of belonging. We may understand what this means in our heads; the idea of safety, security, and protection. This can be understood cognitively as a relationship. We have relationships to each other, to our human family, to the larger more-than-human world, and to this beloved planet. These relationships create constellations in which we can feel varying degrees of belonging.
Moving the sense of belonging from a cognitive definition into a felt experience is a process with no end. Like life, it is a work in progress, and we can only continue to deepen into the practices that sustain our health and well being with a strong will.
So, let’s have a look at three different signs that you are experiencing a felt sense of belonging, in order for you to amplify awareness around what the felt sense really feels like in the body.
- Relaxed Nervous System
The first sign we’ll look at is the state of our nervous system. Within a constellation where we belong, and feel that sense of belonging, we will likely be experiencing a relaxed nervous system across the board. We will not be experiencing any fight or flight responses (or at least minimal).
- Muted Internal Dialogue
The second sign that we’re experiencing a sense of belonging has to do with our internal landscape. Sometimes our monkey mind can run a muck. We all know this feeling, when thoughts seem to think themselves and they move at a mile a minute. Well, usually when we’re feeling that sense of belonging, the monkey mind is able to take a rest. There is way less mental chatter, and more spaciousness in our minds for present moment awareness. We experience more inner harmony that is in response to the harmony that surrounds us. It’s a feedback loop, and we feel it.
- Open-Hearted Authenticity
The last sign that we’ll explore together is about our ability to express authentically. When we’re in a relationship, group, space or place in which we belong, it will be easier for us to speak our truth. Authentically expressing comes more easily, due to the air of acceptance and inclusion that would be present. When we accept each other as we are and feel inclusivity toward each other, there becomes more space for our hearts to express their authentic voice. We feel this as a sensation of open-heartedness, where our heart space is emanating a coherence that is in harmony with the field around us.
There you have it! May those three signs serve to support you in celebrating how you fit within your constellations, whether in 1:1 relationships, groups, your affinity communities, or team dynamics.
You could say that I kind of ‘woke up’ this year after my grandfather died. He had wisdom that I’m just beginning to understand. The truth is, that death changed me in ways that I couldn’t predict. My grandparents were very involved in raising us. In high school, I would often crash at their house rather than drive the extra 30 minutes home after football practice and piano lessons ate up most of my evening. They were on speed dial as my emergency response team, and one night I completely ditched them for my friends without notice, not re-surfacing until the next morning. Maybe my early gray hairs are karma for that.
Beginning to See
Some relationships in life touch you more deeply than you give them credit for, and it’s for this lesson that I’m most thankful upon the passing of my late grandfather. He mattered to me, and over the last 12 years or so I saw him only on the holidays…or so I thought. What I really saw is what I wanted to see—a relative, an old man, one my biggest fans in high school (that was so LONG ago). I was still mired in my own life and perspective.
Last month, I had the privilege to spend many days with my bedridden grandfather. We chatted about the weather and food, and we chatted about life and family. He said, “Stay close to each other, love one another, that’s the most important thing. Everything else will take care of itself, but you all, stay close.”
I really started to SEE my grandfather when he expressed his love for my grandmother. As she fed him or bathed him, sometimes they would sing together, remembering happier times, past times, times when things were different. Ironically, you could see the timelessness of their gaze on each other, like nothing else mattered, and…it didn’t. Each moment they got together, they cherished.
In each of our moments, we have a choice. The impact that we choose to have will reverberate out from that moment of creation. Your moment may seem insignificant, but those moments add up to a lifetime. So choose wisely in this moment, and you’ll build a lifetime of wisdom.
Do you struggle with relationships—finding, building, or keeping them? Most people make these three (3) mistakes in relationships:
- Not being available—you think you’re ready for a commitment, but you can’t commit to an ice cream flavor let alone another person.
- Not knowing what you want—ever notice how hard it is to please someone when you have no idea what makes them happy? No, your partner should not be a graduate of the psychic network and know how to read your mind.
- Not listening—you can spot the above two mistakes in the people you’re dating pretty quickly if you listen to what they’re saying. If you can spot these in other people, you’ll be more likely to spot them in yourself. So really this one is about learning how to listen to yourself as well as others.
Love shows itself in powerful ways through other people we connect with romantically, socially, and physically. Other people literally become an extension of ourselves. We have the potential to grow significantly when we find relationships that complement our weaknesses and illuminate our strengths.
Spirit in Transition is hosting a new community event called Finding ‘the One.’ Based on the book Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life (no prior reading needed), this bi-weekly series offers strategies for attracting love into your life and improving relationships.
To find out more and register for the address, click here.
Our meetings are held at 7:15pm, every 2nd and 4th Monday of the month.
We hope to see you there!